Will I ever get enough

or will you one day call my bluff

that I want more than all that you are?

Give me who you will be, not just who you’ve been thus far …

[April 7th. 3:30 PM. They sit on a park bench, each hidden by sunglasses, not making eye contact.]
She: If you knew you didn’t want to be with me after I graduate, then why didn’t you just end it??
He: Because I knew this is what it would look like.
She: Oh yeah?
He: Yeah. And this is what it looked like when we were dating, too.
[beat.]
She: You think?
He: Being made to feel shitty about the choices that I make and the things that I do? Yeah, you’ve always berated me. That’s nothing new.
She: What am I supposed to do?
He: NOT BERATE ME.
She: What should I have done? Instead. Not what shouldn’t I do.
He: I don’t know. Let me be.
She: You implied that you were willing to change. You said, “I’ll do what it takes. Whatever it takes.” What was I supposed to take from that?
He: I don’t know.
She: So you have been leading me on because you made me believe that all this trying was worth it! That you were willing to change! That this was worth fighting for! That you cared about me enough to try, but time and time again I have been disappointed because you’re not actually trying, you just say you are or say you want to. I don’t want that. I want someone who is there for me.
He: I told you, I’m not interested in living my life waiting for you.
She: Yeah, well that’s what do now for you
He: Then why are you still here??
She: Because I keep thinking — in my delusional mind, apparently — that you will be true to your word. That you really do want this, but you need help. That you’re more reliable than you actually are. That you are worth it. But I guess you’re not.
He: I guess not.
She: I just don’t know why you haven’t owned up to it. If you didn’t actually want to change, why didn’t you say so?? I have always been clear about what I wanted from you.
He: You don’t know what you want.
She: What?!
He: You don’t know where you’re going. If you knew where you were going, then maybe it would be different. Maybe I’d be able to imagine it if there were more facts in the picture.
She: THAT’S WHY WE WEREN’T MAKING ANY DECISIONS. Until I get a job. I am waiting. Okay, so I don’t know exactly what I want to do because I have so many options! The world is wide and that’s exciting and it’s also fucking scary so don’t you fucking tell me that I don’t know what I want. I’ll tell you. I want someone who is there for me when I need them who lets me be there for them when they need me. I want someone who believes in me as much as I believe in them that will let me love them and show it to them as much as they love me. 
He: And I need to know if you are willing to love me as I am right now, because if not, then you should just leave.

[long beat.]

She: I guess I’m leaving then. 

[she sits, still. Beat. He gets up and puts on his jacket.]

He: I have to go, too. 
She: Okay. Thank you for talking with me.
He: Yeah. Thanks, too.
[She nods. He turns, and leaves. She sits, and one single tear streams down her face, from behind her large purple sunglasses.]
 

 

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