I am learning how to wait.

April 14th.

He sends a picture of a dissected sewing machine with the caption: Lol. Which part is the bobbin?
She: [Name], I’m having a really hard time proceeding as jovial and nondescript, mainly bc I don’t know when you’ll reach out and when you won’t. I need some more space. I’m sorry.

He: I’m sorry for intruding.
She: It’s okay. I’ve been realizing I spoke too soon about wanting still to be friends. I can’t do that right now because my trust in your loyalty and devotion has been damaged which leaves too much room for jealousy and disdain and for that I’m sorry

[Four days go by. No contact.]

April 17th. 1:57 AM.
He: trying to respect your request for space, but I have to ask… Am I the only one that feels really shitty?

He: Nvm. Dont answer that. I’m stupid. Sorry- I’ll leave you alone

9:22 AM.
She: The answer is ‘no (of course not).’

5:07 PM.
She: “Where I Stood” -Missy Higgins. Look up the lyrics. Exactly how I feel, word for word.
He: That’s exactly what I was afraid of. And answered all the questions I wanted to ask. So thank you, and i hope we can reconnect at least a little bit before you graduate.
She: Me too. Bc that’ll mean things have improved.
He: I just don’t understand how things can improve like this

He: I feel like i’m the only one that values this at all. And maybe that’s true, but if it isn’t I’m actually interested in finding something.
She: Values what? I don’t know what you meant by that last statement.
He: I just feel like we’re throwing all of it away. all or nothing is really stupid
She: It sounds like you want to talk.
He: Desperately. I’m so sad. But it’s obvs not your problem and i can deal with it, I’m struggling a lot to adjust to no communication indefinitely.
She: I am glad you said something. Of course we can talk. But it has to be sober. I work until 11:15 tonight so if you’d rather tomorrow that’s fine. Let me know.

I believe he’s coming over in a few minutes, to speak with me in between my work responsibilities.

I don’t know what to ask for. Of course I want him in my life, but if he can’t give me what I need, I can’t be expected to just be there for him when he needs me. He’s so sad, he says, but I can’t believe that he could ever think that I’m anything other than devastated. My boyfriend decided that networking and drug dealing were more important than putting in the time and effort to be in love with me. It’s not a matter of my doubting my worth; it’s a matter of my being so angry at myself for letting it go on for so long and being with someone who clearly checked out months ago. I can’t be with someone who isn’t in it as much as I am.

But I also desperately care about him and his well being and wish so much that there were someone in my life that I could love so that all of this emotion that keeps brimming up over the edges of my heart can overflow into someone else’s soul.

Until then, I do not know how to negotiate this entanglement I find myself in.