I almost slept with someone else.

He couldn’t stay hard enough to put the condom on though.

I propositioned him tonight again with a text mentioning that I was relatively drunk, somewhat emotionally vulnerable, and still capable of consent.
He turned me down. That is not the problem.

The problem is that I had asked my ex-boyfriend if he wanted to potentially spend some sober naked touching time tonight with me in support of my proposed detox. He responded with a ‘we’ll see.’ Instead, he chose to get fucked up.

Let’s put it this way: the next person I date will find the concept of spending time with my body and my self more appealing than substances.

Someone will love me and love loving me more than whatever and however other things make them feel.

I am about to get a rainbow phoenix tattoo designed by a high school friend of mine. No one knows yet. That said, no one knows how to find this blog either. Which is a shame because it stops me from telling the full truth.

Help, someone. I am drowning and suffocating. I wish someone would desire me enough to go through with it when I proposition the possibility.

Perhaps I’m just too horny and drunk. Thanks Internet for giving me space. No one else seems willing; at least, not the humans I wish it were coming from.

Someone will help me understand what it is to rise up from these ashes and be a radiant vibrant loving lovable human again. Towards myself and towards others. Until then, One Day at a Time and The Serenity Prayer. I used you today, even if you couldn’t tell by my actions and consumption. I am resisting but also listening. Keep talking, even if you don’t think I can hear. I am desperately searching for help, even if I can’t yet remove myself from that which is burning me. Burn, baby, burn. Isn’t that what a Phoenix does? But when does the fire cease, friend, when does the fire cease?

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