She says, “Listen, do what you want but oh my god woman. You broke up and you CRIED, you got back together, you broke up again, you cried, you got back together, you broke up AGAIN, you CRIED, again, then you went to some cabin in the woods and he’s there and you’re here and you need to get rid of him because he is not good enough for you. You deserve better and someone better is out there.”

I sat and listened. Maybe it’s true. Maybe all of that is true. It feels like it. It also feels like I love him and miss him and don’t want to damage him or it and I want us both to be happy.

I was looking at my face in the mirror today and thought: “Why are you so unhappy, Ray?”
Because we aren’t together, I thought. Because he’s not happy.
What would make you happy, I asked myself.
If he was happy, was my first thought until I realized it was actually to find someone who will touch me and love me and hold me and remember me and care for me. What would make me very happy right now would be to have sex with someone that is not him, because I haven’t done that before. I am hard wired for monogamy and so as long as we have an agreement of some sort of attachment, I wilt with guilt at the idea of touching someone else. But I want to be brave. I want to meet new people and have a good time and not constantly look at my phone to see if my ball and chain of emotional baggage has texted me yet today.

How to I extricate myself without burning too much of this bridge? I need to be clear, but I don’t want to hurt him … Again.

Advertisements