I have thought of a new way to cope
that jives with the way I boogie
in that I write down a list
of all the times you cross my mind 
to know which things to tell you
the next time we talk
because I know
going to 

I think I may be using
this time
to learn what
meaningless sex is. 
When you say you’re horny
and then ask when I last came
I have to tell the truth and say yesterday

[but nothing else]
[like it was too rough]
[gently please]
[and he was too drunk to be hard]
{why is that a common theme?!}
[and he was obese]
[with crowded snaggly teeth 
a wiry vagabond beard of steel wool]

God how did I let that happen to myself,
is what I really feel.
But because I also need to learn this
[so I’ll stop wondering what ifs]
and hopefully someone
beautiful and kind and smart
will happen
in a casual
and sexy way

Correction: I have learned what revolting sex is. 

And we didn’t even have sex sex. 
I’m not even on birth control right now
and as much as I want to
comfort you
with that news
I know that I’ll inevitably also mention when I return to being on it
such that you will 
begin to fret about what sort of 
Herculean Underwear Model for LLBean Who Sings
[or whatever he imagines my perfect mate to be]
is seducing me  
and have I fallen
out of love
with him.

Maybe I will. 

But if I do it will be glorious

[and sad
because I will have 
to break a man’s heart
whom I have been loving
far too hard
for far too long
compared to what it has delivered thus far –]


let it come true
whatever this thing called
happiness is
I want it

If I am swept off my feet by some perfect [for me] human,
then there I will go
[this here feminist!]
because …

I’ll know?

I’ll know… what’ll I know? 
I’ll feel it?

One thing I know
is that I crave intimacy
even with this man I love
Because of the way 
I respond when the
kind and caring
firm and efficient
hairdresser in our little town
washes my hair before cutting it
[it should be remarked that I irrationally fear cutting my hair more than most things, including planes and being suspended from a rope, for example in rock climbing]
He knows what he’s doing
He talks to me intently
[there was a study that showed haircare folk are confessed private information to more than the average profession, along with therapists -duh- and bartenders]
and I feel my eyes start to sting
as this firm kind touch gives me
the most devoted focused loving attention
I’ve had all day
and I wish I wasn’t weeping
I wish I knew how
to ask for
in the correct words
[that you will understand
both how to interpret and how to execute]
what it is 
that I 


yes, and

will be.