I have been so miserable lately. And I’ve been thinking on it, and as I see it, basically a whole bunch of shitty things were all just launched into the air and hit my metaphorical fan. Some of these things I could have avoided, some of these things I could have not. Some of these things I keep berating myself into thinking they are the former (when really, in reality they are the latter, so I need to cut myself some slack). 

I have also gone on a rampage to isolate myself from all conquests, mainly because I am feeling overwhelmed either at their intensity, ineptitude, lack of athleticism, you name it. Each has his own short coming. So fine. And one or two are such pieces of work that I’m exhausted just thinking about trying to be their friend, much less lover. And so, even though all I want is to pour all of my desire and affection and snuggles and kisses and hopes and dreams and fears and support into another person, not one of them is worth the exhaustion that I feel in trying to maintain … interest. 

When the time comes, someone will walk into the room and I will not be able to take my eyes off of him and Maybe he will feel the same way (Maybe, I believe, can increase to Probably should Operation Rachel remain in effect and therefore prove effective in luring one’s Soul Lover to one). 

So, rather than drain all of my attributes and contributions into someone unworthy of my affection (if simply because the blasé nature of my attitude at this moment. I understand “things take time” but I don’t think that YOU understand “struck by Eros’ arrow”). 

Instead: I shall pour it into me. Well, of course, you say. One should always have self care. Oh, yes you wise humans. But let me explain that since leaving my summer post I have lost all semblance of routine. And I must regain it. 

When caring for someone you deeply love and understand, you have to support them in the love languages they speak in. You also need to know how best to communicate to them: instructions, suggestions, comments, concerns, affections. You know what their strongest languages are (http://suite101.com/article/what-are-the-five-love-languages–a4698).

So I’m here to tell myself:
Self.
You thrive in routine.
You respond to lists,
      because it is a comprehensive way to know how to accomplish all expectations. 
Your Primary and Secondary Love Languages are Quality Time and Touch. 
You have been known to have Seasonal Affects Disorder symptoms (and remember the newest deficiency warning!) so let’s look outside and evaluate Vitamin D intake, shall we?

And thus, Operation Ray. Launch.

Operation Ray
1. Sunrise Sun Salutation.
 Every day at 6 AM, you will rise and perform three sun salutations at whatever speed you wish. You will then presumably return to bed, but you must remove yourself from it for this activity. 
2. Cut Out ALL Dairy. You’ve been pretty good, but cutting it completely will make you feel LIKE DYNAMITE. And you’re probably going to suck at being strict at home for the hollydayz so try hard now. You are allowed to finish the cheddar cheese in the fridge, but you are not allowed to get any more ice cream at the store. If you want something cold sweet and delicious you are in luck because you SHOULD:
3. Soymilk Smoothie Every Day + Meds. YES! You WIN! Protein breakfast of glory that requires no cooking. Why did you fall off that band wagon? Get back on. That includes D3, Omega3, antihistamine, venlafaxine. Should I try to throw a multi back in there? The problem is the last time I took those I threw up immediately. Every time. So let’s not try that so soon again. 
4. Gym. Please for the love of God. You will feel and look so much awesomer. 
5. Write For One Hour Every Day. Here. Screenplay. Music. Poetry. (*Morning Pages Do Not Count*)
6. Morning Page. You must fill three pages of a spiral bound notebook every morning when you really really wake up. It’ll be crap, but that’s apparently the point. To get rid of the crap. 7. Seriously Finish Designing That Tat. U no u want it. So grow a pair and do it. 

Seven items for seven-fold improvement. That sounds like pretty good odds? Like, 6 AM is going to suck until I’m still doing it in my late 30s and I’m going to be perfectly conditioned for getting up when that baby needs a whatever, and I’ll sun salute and fall asleep with a baby in my arms and on my breast. But in order to get there I have to get through here first. Stay in this adventure, Ray. Your future ones will come. 

Advertisements