Wow. Well, that was awful. Remember X[]M date? Well, he’s a fail. In short, the moment I suggested or tried anything that was for me, so that I could “have a turn” he checked out. As in, he came, I said, “Hey you can take that off and maybe I can have a turn?” and he takes the condom off, goes and sits on the couch in the hotel room, and turns on the television. I — WHAT?? I am LYING ON THE BED, NAKED, FUCKING HOT and READY TO GO, and you … are going to watch Japanese fashion television. Cue Ray making up a stupid excuse of I have to feed my cats. And GOODBYE.

I will not be calling you after Baby Jesus Day. Because in addition to this INCREDIBLE faux pas, you are boring and bad at conversation and I can’t deal with someone who doesn’t listen to anything I have to say during sexy time. Get the fuck out of my face. It’s about everyone’s pleasure.

Is that what feminism is? Is that what sex positivity is? To feel good and sexy and naked and pleasured at giving and receiving pleasure? 
I guess so, but Lord I didn’t know it was so hard to find. I’m getting a little discouraged, folks. Notching is not all it’s cracked up to be if the sex is bad and the people are lame. Maybe I need to be more discretionary when choosing conquests, but I could have sworn that I was being open and hopeful and kind and considerate and clear and yet these things still happen. Of course, no one is going to be PM but at least someone could be attractive, fit, intelligent, and good at sex? I’m not looking for a life partner but I am looking for someone who is INTERESTED IN HELPING ME CUM for god’s sake. 

This, I think, is where FetLife comes in. Where I say, “Alright asshats. I’m in charge. I’m hot, you’re hot — especially when drooling all over me and how hot I am. And now you get to watch me touch myself and you can’t do anything about it but become more and more desperate until I finally thrust my voluptuous breasts into your mouth and you suck as hard as you can as my nipples become firm against your tongue and I teasingly drag my fingertips along the tip of your cock. 
THIS IS SEX POSITIVITY. WHERE IS THIS. I WANT THIS. Or at least someone who asks me if I’m enjoying it. Rather than, “You can make noise, you know.” 1, buddy, I’m quiet. 2, believe me, I’ll make noise if there’s reason to. But … sorry. No go for you.

PM, I miss you. I miss your lips I miss your skin I miss your fingers I miss your cock I miss your earlobes I miss your knees I miss your heart but most of all I miss your eyes and how when we locked gazes during sex, no fire, hell or high water was going to stop us from helping each other along to the very top when we could both release together in one glorious fell swoop. You know how people say that ‘real people don’t have simultaneous orgasms; that’s only in movies’? WELL I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT THAT IS WRONG. The first time it happened, we high fived and were like, “Yeah, THAT was awesome and I’ll bet that was the best it’s ever gonna be. Go us!” … and then it kept happening for 18 more months. So, skeptics, it’s possible. Which why I know I can keep looking for all the other things that you think are impossible, because somewhere they will be real. I don’t know where, I don’t know how, but I will find them. 

In the meantime, I grow weary on this journey. I wish there were just someone who would hold me while we sit quietly together, just being. I’m so tired of having to Be On for these people. Perkily checking in, making sure they’re having a good time. No one fucking cares if I am, though. All I want is for us to just be, and of course we’re having a good time, because just to be with you is what I want. Adventure? Okay! Stay in? Okay! Walk? Sit? Stay? Lie down? Roll around? I’ll do anything as long as one thing is certain: that I want to be with you. Then the world cannot offer me a path I do not wish to try, with you. 

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