I have a sub. 
Remember that time that I wasn’t going to be tied to anyone? … In spirit?

Well … in a way, I’m not. This is not a vanilla relationship. There is no obligation, nor any necessity for compromise or any of the other things I have been conditioned to dish out.
That doesn’t mean that there aren’t rules. Instead, service and aftercare. Devotion and care. Good intentions and healing and support. Aren’t these the things I’ve been seeking? Yes.

He keeps being confused at the amount of dominance I allow him, however. And does things like ask if I’m sure I’m as much of a Domme-in-training as I claim to be to which I respond that I’m definitely a switch, but that the crux of it comes down to who says what gets to happen where. I’ve just posed to him, in fact: My sub serves by delivering what I ask for does he not? Who’s to say it can’t be that I ask for domination, on occasion, in the same way I might ask for adoration, worship, or massage? A blow job can be because all I want is to suck the shit out of a beautiful cock or maybe I want to reward you for excellent service? It’s all about the flavor and intent.

I was told on a Fet date once that the biggest giveaway to my being a Domme was that I won’t take cum in my mouth.

I think these sorts of statements are simultaneously fascinating and arbitrary.

He also is older than I. This is manifesting in very particular ways such as being far more burdened, both in life and spirit. It means far more experienced and educated, in play and profession. It also means far more defined in himself and his tendencies which include fretting, stubbornness, and fierce protective instinct. This is the spark to ignite the fuel that courses through his veins of nurturing and care. Which make our time together like a voracious fire of warmth, worship, and wonder. Oh, how I wonder about this inexplicable excitement, giddyness even, at the attention. I have never been such a coquette and yet it flows naturally; I am thrilled to reward and reciprocate because the care came like the slam of warmth upon your frigid cheeks upon walking within the cozy proximity to the campfire. I am enveloped. 

I feel him watch me; he peruses my body with his fingers and he peruses my psyche with his assumptions. Many of which are correct. And that was what was shocking. You paid that much attention to me? To see beyond the layer of the obvious I share with the rest of the world into the far more lush, jagged, seductive place of my self?

Do you know what I anticipate? I would not be surprised if he became the first to make me cum all on his own. Such a feat that would be; I say that without an inkling of the facetious. 

And yet, at this very moment, I am gchatting (of all things) with PM, Problème Maestro, who is making some very logical arguments to the way that this hostile, hurtful, and primarily silent time has unfolded. The thing is though that now I am armed with the wider horizon to be able to say (perhaps I even will, later!); 

“What I would like from you, PM, man to whom I gave an important, significant moment often signified by colloquialisms known as VCard: is the freedom to get what I need. Because you cannot, or maybe just do not, give me what I want or desire. And yet I do still desire you. And I am tired of pushing. So you may give what you wish to give. And if that’s enough, then that will be enough. But in the event that it is not, I will be able to go elsewhere. It means that I no longer initiate. You will come to me, if you want to be with me. The others do. You do not need to know about them, although I have to tell you my sub could show you a thing or two. Maybe even about massage; I think if you felt what he can do if you allow yourself to be vulnerable through pain breathing the whole way and trusting that the person has your back and there actually is a reason to be pushed so hard, so intensely, so intently. And maybe you still won’t care. 
I want you to be open to open. Because probably there are other women you’d like to be with and you can know I’m trying on the idea of Pad Thai v Chilli. If I make the best fucking Pad Thai that you love and one day you wake up and want Chilli … somewhere else might have the best chilli. And that can be okay. Because lord oh lord do I prefer his Crepes sometimes. Mmm. So do what you need to do, and I’ll do what I need to do, and if what we need to do is each other then wonderful!”

I don’t think PM is ready for that yet, which means I’m sure as hell not ready to let him back in. He will earn it with opening and understanding, but I imagine that he does not want them. And that is his choice. That will be when I change my mind. 

And yet, I am testing him to see if it is happening. Or at least on its way? Because the silence has been stark. And I have built up a lot of anger. Against all the times of discontent, heartache, betrayal, and indifference. Indifference will not do. Passiveness will not do. I am inquiring in a cyberfrantic manner of why he hasn’t asked me anything if he was wondering anything or if he just is so over it and ambivalent that he doesn’t wonder anymore. 

RynPx: ‘ are you sad or are you over it? are we fighting right now? do you feel resented? I can’t tell if you care or not or are projecting this resentment on me or would be interested in knowing if it’s true or not or why you haven’t just asked me what you wanted to know or if you just don’t care enough to want to know anything? ‘

Manic, but articulate even so. If you are paying attention. 
Pay attention to me. 
I will answer and then some. 
This goes for anyone. 
I am easily flattered,
accessibly charming and charm-able,
and believe in positive reinforcement and reward
and gifts if I believe they will be appreciated
because I am worth something
I forgot the currency for a little while and how it fits within the wider market
but I’m the catch of the year
there’s just one small spark that will either
make you fun or make you run
and that is 
I know it. 
Je suis délicieuse et dangereuse. 

 

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