Tag Archive: open relationship


Xena the Damsel’s Ideal Knight

My ideal relationship is with a hung Alpha Male Dom to whom I submit and with whom I switch. He enjoys, in turn, watching me be with other men and playing with other everyones with me. We will sex other people with each other and not, but we will love each other the most even as of course we come to care about other people. Somehow he will communicate to me that he so profoundly cares about me in a way that relieves me from being the Jealous I already anticipate in my heart will be the potential downfall of my seeking an open relationship. Of course he will want to marry me and be vanilla with me and we will be friends with our play partners long after (it seems as if) we’ve stopped playing (or have we?). Careers, communities, kids. Sex everywhere in between and more. Fuck couples counseling – I know how to communicate because I’m a kinkster. And so is my boo.

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Gently Please [or] Why I Haven’t Yet Fallen Out

I have thought of a new way to cope
that jives with the way I boogie
in that I write down a list
of all the times you cross my mind 
to know which things to tell you
the next time we talk
because I know
we’re
going to 

I think I may be using
this time
to learn what
meaningless sex is. 
When you say you’re horny
and then ask when I last came
I have to tell the truth and say yesterday

[but nothing else]
[like it was too rough]
[gently please]
[and he was too drunk to be hard]
{why is that a common theme?!}
[and he was obese]
[with crowded snaggly teeth 
and
a wiry vagabond beard of steel wool]

God how did I let that happen to myself,
is what I really feel.
But because I also need to learn this
[so I’ll stop wondering what ifs]
and hopefully someone
beautiful and kind and smart
will happen
in a casual
and sexy way

Correction: I have learned what revolting sex is. 

And we didn’t even have sex sex. 
I’m not even on birth control right now
and as much as I want to
comfort you
with that news
I know that I’ll inevitably also mention when I return to being on it
such that you will 
then
begin to fret about what sort of 
Herculean Underwear Model for LLBean Who Sings
[or whatever he imagines my perfect mate to be]
is seducing me  
and have I fallen
out of love
with him.

Maybe I will. 

But if I do it will be glorious

[and sad
because I will have 
to break a man’s heart
whom I have been loving
far too hard
for far too long
compared to what it has delivered thus far –]

BUT YOU SEE
HE WILL DELIVER
BECAUSE I HAVE THIS ONE THING
CALLED HOPE

please
let it come true
whatever this thing called
happiness is
I want it
please

If I am swept off my feet by some perfect [for me] human,
then there I will go
[this here feminist!]
because …

I’ll know?

I’ll know… what’ll I know? 
I’ll feel it?
Maybe.

One thing I know
is that I crave intimacy
even with this man I love
Because of the way 
I respond when the
kind and caring
firm and efficient
male
hairdresser in our little town
washes my hair before cutting it
[it should be remarked that I irrationally fear cutting my hair more than most things, including planes and being suspended from a rope, for example in rock climbing]
He knows what he’s doing
He talks to me intently
[there was a study that showed haircare folk are confessed private information to more than the average profession, along with therapists -duh- and bartenders]
and I feel my eyes start to sting
as this firm kind touch gives me
the most devoted focused loving attention
I’ve had all day
and I wish I wasn’t weeping
I wish I knew how
to ask for
in the correct words
[that you will understand
both how to interpret and how to execute]
what it is 
that I 

desire?
request?
need?

yes, and

will be. 

I wish to be a bird, not a kite

She says, “Listen, do what you want but oh my god woman. You broke up and you CRIED, you got back together, you broke up again, you cried, you got back together, you broke up AGAIN, you CRIED, again, then you went to some cabin in the woods and he’s there and you’re here and you need to get rid of him because he is not good enough for you. You deserve better and someone better is out there.”

I sat and listened. Maybe it’s true. Maybe all of that is true. It feels like it. It also feels like I love him and miss him and don’t want to damage him or it and I want us both to be happy.

I was looking at my face in the mirror today and thought: “Why are you so unhappy, Ray?”
Because we aren’t together, I thought. Because he’s not happy.
What would make you happy, I asked myself.
If he was happy, was my first thought until I realized it was actually to find someone who will touch me and love me and hold me and remember me and care for me. What would make me very happy right now would be to have sex with someone that is not him, because I haven’t done that before. I am hard wired for monogamy and so as long as we have an agreement of some sort of attachment, I wilt with guilt at the idea of touching someone else. But I want to be brave. I want to meet new people and have a good time and not constantly look at my phone to see if my ball and chain of emotional baggage has texted me yet today.

How to I extricate myself without burning too much of this bridge? I need to be clear, but I don’t want to hurt him … Again.